Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself

Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself.

I had a serious falling out with someone close to me last week.

And while I’ve coached leaders through conflict for years, my first thought was to go full on scorched-earth and cut ties.

I felt angry. Wronged. Resentful. Even revengeful.

But before opting to burn it all down, I checked in with myself. With the feelings and the storyline I was telling myself.

And what I found underneath the anger wasn't more anger.

It was sadness, fear, and shame.

Fear that the relationship I valued was more fragile than I thought. Sadness that we seemed to have taken a gigantic step backward after lots of work to go forward. And — maybe the hardest admission — a recognition that I was carrying old tape into a current moment and assigning her the role of villain that was undeserved in the moment.

I called her back and got vulnerable. I named what I was feeling about the conflict. I corrected thoughts and assumptions of hers that needed correcting, but without turning it into a fight. I focused on mutual understanding vs. winning.

And by both of us intentionally choosing to show up with more composure, presence, and empathy, we were able to repair and move our relationship forward.

Build Introspection, not a Defense.

Leaders — especially lawyers — are extraordinarily good at building a case.

We're trained to gather evidence, construct an argument, and defend a position.

That skillset is genuinely useful. Until it isn't.

Because when conflict is personal, the case-building instinct becomes a liability. Winning a personal conflict usually means losing something more important.

The move that actually works — in leadership, in relationships, and in the hardest conversations — is to check yourself, not the other person. Ask: what am I actually feeling right now? What is making me feel this way? And are those thoughts about that thing or person true?

Leaders who navigate conflict well aren't the ones who never feel the urge to cut and run (in fact, I’m still guilty of this being my first instinct). They're the ones who feel it, and choose differently on purpose.

The Leadership Shift

Four moves for navigating conflict with intention:

1. Pause before you act on what you think you're feeling.
Anger is rarely the root emotion. Before you respond (or in my case, disappear), ask: what's actually underneath this? Sadness, fear, and grief drive more scorched-earth decisions than anger ever does. Name all your emotions first.

2. Lead with how you feel, not what they did. When engaging in the conflict, be thoughtful in your words. "I felt hurt" lands differently than "you hurt me." The first opens a conversation. The second is a opening statement. Vulnerability is the fastest path to being heard.

3. Correct the record without needing a verdict. You can assert what is true, firmly and clearly, without turning the conversation into a trial. The goal isn't for the other person to concede. It's for both of you to leave with a fuller picture than you walked in with. Mutual understanding is the win.

4. Check your old tape before you walk in. What do you believe about this person or this situation that might be outdated? What assumptions are you carrying that belong to a past version of this relationship, not the current one? Just like they may be holding thoughts about you that aren't true, ask yourself: what am I holding that isn't current? Clearing that before the conversation changes everything about how it goes.

Bottom Line:

Conflict is not the problem. Avoidance is.

The relationships worth having — professional and personal — require the willingness to stay in the room when everything in you wants to leave. To get curious about your own reaction before you act on it. To show up for the hard conversation with enough self-awareness to make it productive.

Conflict resolution is a leadership practice.

And it starts with the courage to sit with your inner conflict, and resolve that first.

To better, — Jess