Clear is Kind: Delivering Tough Feedback with Care
There's a version of kindness that isn't so nice.
It shows up when you choose to soften feedback around performance.
You might convince yourself that you’re choosing patience, restraint, optimism and compassion by not saying what’s hard to hear. Yet somewhere between you thinking, ‘they're trying’ and ‘it'll get better on its own’, avoidance becomes your default communication mode, even though it was paved in good intention.
Good Intentions, Wrong Approach
Brené Brown said it plainly: clear is kind.
Simple to say. Much harder to live — especially when someone you manage is struggling, and being indirect feels like the more humane choice in the moment.
I’ve certainly been guilty of approaching feedback this way more than once.
But corrective behavior needs coordinates. An inconsistent performer cannot navigate toward better without knowing exactly where they are and exactly what needs to shift. Every softened conversation — every performance discussion that cushions reality with sometimes and a little and just try to — strips away the specificity they need to actually change.
Saving face may feel like the kinder move. In practice, it stalls their development (it stalls your leadership development, too).
Consider that soft feedback given in the name of kindness is unkind to the rest of your team. Your team notices when words and actions don’t line up. And when there's a gap between what's expected of them and what's tolerated by you, standards erode… and so does their trust in you.
Perhaps the most disorienting outcome of all: the person you were protecting gets blindsided when the separation eventually happens. They never saw it coming, because you never let them.
A struggling performer deserves to know exactly where they stand and what needs to change. Clarity gives someone a shot at growth.
The Leadership Shift
The next time you have feedback you've been circling around giving clearly:
Frame it before you deliver it. "I want to share some observations about what I've seen that I think could genuinely help your growth." That sentence signals respect and intention, and opens the door without putting someone on the defensive.
Address the behavior, not the person. "When X happened, the impact on the team was Y." Feedback lands when it's tied to a specific action and its consequence. Keep it focused on the action, not on the person.
Remember who the feedback is for. It's easy to convince yourself that softening the message is an act of generosity. But avoiding a feedback conversation is only protecting you, and stunting your and the other person’s professional development. he discomfort of delivering hard feedback belongs to you. Don't make them carry it.
Get feedback on your feedback. "What's your reaction to what I just shared?" Then listen. Make feedback an exchange, not a monologue. Engaging in a real discussion and seeking to understand their perspective will invite opportunities for your growth, too.
Bottom Line:
Keeping an underperformer in the dark to spare their feelings isn't kindness. It costs them the chance to get better.
So give people the truth. Because truth, delivered with care, is the kindest leadership move you can make.
To better,
— Jess